so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize