It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
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Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
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I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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