My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize