There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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