I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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