Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
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I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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