Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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