He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
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My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
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If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
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