this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
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Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
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High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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