bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
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don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
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I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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