If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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