my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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