I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
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i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
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