My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
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