took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
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It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize