I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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