Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
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and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
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His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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