I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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