I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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