You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
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We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
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Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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