ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
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It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
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He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I need a beard to bite.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
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