Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
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I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
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Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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