Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
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Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
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How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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