I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
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It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
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I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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