Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
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So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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