when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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