I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
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Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
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I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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