You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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