New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
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i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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