so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
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But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
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I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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