I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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