she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
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The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
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If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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