I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
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Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
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I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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