why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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