When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
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Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
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First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize