I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize