While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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