I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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