Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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