remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
