after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize