i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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