the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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