Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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