I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
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please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
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Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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