mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
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I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
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He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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