I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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