I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
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Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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