One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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