Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
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i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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