Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
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I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
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just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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